Love relationship in a dilemma.?! PLEASE HELP PEOPLE. genuinely help needed.?

P.S.- SORRY FOR THE QUESTION BEING TOO TOO LONG, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, I NEED YOUR HELP. I NEED A SERIOUS AND A MATURE HELP. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR VIEW POINTS FOR THE SITUATION. PLEASE PLEASE !! THANKS








I am 21, and was dating a 24 year old guy (we both are from India, and from same religious background – Sikh). We both shared a lovely relationship, loved each other totally. We were also involved in a physical relationship on mutual understanding. We dated for about 4 months, and then he wanted to call it off. He thought we were getting onto a serious platform day by day, and he sees no chance of us getting married in the future. (His family is totally anti-love-marriages, for many reasons. And one of them being that one of his first cousins was recently murdered by his wife after 6 months of their Love marriage). He said that he respects me and my feelings, and hence doesn’t want to hurt me in the future, by giving me fake commitment. So, he decided to call it off. We ended almost 4-5 times in last 4 months, and got back every time. Every time we got back, he was always in secured, as he knew we have no future. I always tried explaining him that we can always try and see if things work out well, but he always had a set mind that his parents are never going to accept this (he’s been seeing situations like this in his family with his cousin sibling), and he would never go against his family.


Any which ways, we would end, and we would get back again. For me it was very difficult to come over him, there have been times, when I abused him and have tortured/bothered him with the ugliest of messages, blaming him, but he never returned that stone back to me. He either did not reply to it at all, and if we would talk about it, he would very sweetly say, that please done send me such messages, they make me feel real bad.


Now, we are back again, but as friends only this time. We are not in a relationship, but he said we can remain friends. We are talking properly since 10 days now, though not regularly. We have met, but very generally. Even he is sure, we will not get physical anymore, he has not mentioned, but his gestures prove that.


Now, I don’t know, its really tough for me to accept him only as a friend. I for sure, don’t want to loose him completely, but just being friends make me go mad too most of the time. I miss all those moments I have spent with him. I know he loves me, and that is the reason, that even he is not able to end this completely. Or is he doing this only because I want to get back to him? Did he ever love me? Or he never did? Or does he still have same feelings for me, but for some reasons, he is trying to burry them? What is all this about? Why is he doing this? No, I don’t want to end this all, but, I find nothing good happening? Just being friends, why do u think, if he know he doesn’t have a future with me, and he knows he wants to call it off, even then why does he want to be just friends with me? What all could be the possibilities? I love him, I love him so much. Cant even dare to leave him, but, these questions make me wonder, what exactly would he be thinking? What all would be in his mind? Any games happening? Or does he have some genuine feelings for me? He even tries to make me jealous at times, and says it on purpose, after the discussion, that he wanted to make me feel jealous about it, and then asks me, if I really did get jealous. If we are only friends, then why would he want to make me feel jealous? He still on and off asks me, if I loved him. He still kind of thinks he has a right on me, he tells me if something about me he doesn’t like, for e.g. the other day he told me that iv started wearing deep cleavage tops, and he doesn’t like it. Also, he commented on my hairstyle, and made me change it. Why does he do all this, if we are just friends? Why does he show his right on me? And in the end says, keep meeting me, at least like friends? What is all this about?


I would like to mention, that he is a cusp of Scorpio and Sagittarius. And I am Aries.


Please friends, I know it’s a little too long, but please give me genuine and serious advices. Thanks to all of you in advance.


P.S.- if any one of you have any questions or doubts in the question, please post it in the replies, and I will answer them in additional details, and then you may please revert back after reading the answer. Please, it’s a humble request, to please answer it.

Love relationship in a dilemma.?! PLEASE HELP PEOPLE. genuinely help needed.?
Either he is very immature for his age that he has to be doing whatever his family says, or he just doesn't want to commit to you, but wants to control you anyway.





If he is the kind of guy that is controlled by his parents, just watch the movie "Not without my daughter" with Sally Field, and you will see what kind of future might await for you.





If he doesnt want to commit, well, just go away a little bit and see his reactions. Sometimes when guys are to sure of a person, they start treating the person however they want, and that, will be very hurtful for you. If he loves you, he MUST try to win your love, dont be after him, because he will start to avoid you OR he will start to abuse you, either one you consent.





He is not the only one in the world.. make sure he knows that BY YOUR ACTIONS, not by telling him: Go out with other girlfriends, if he wants to talk to you, tell him you have something else, but that you will call him back (and do it, just don't give him the privilege of knowing that you are AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME FOR HIM)..got the point?





I hope this helps, but if he doesnt come back to you, then, he was NEVER going to come back to you.. and you would be suffering forever!! You are 21, and I'm sure that if it's not him, you will find someone that really loves you and appreciates you for who you are.
Reply:you lost me at 'india'.





sorry.
Reply:Just let go of him.... you need somebody who can actually share your same wish of getting married...
Reply:From what i am understanding you want more then just a friendship with this guy. going from ex lovers to just friends is the hardest thing. you need to make a decision. he wont change his beliefs and he shoudn't. You have get over him and you. being friends is not a good idea in the beginning because you will never heal completely from everything. you need to seperate yourself from him for a while.
Reply:Oh sweetie.


It sounds like he wants the best of both worlds, %26amp; you can't let him have that. He's just toying with your emotions. It sounds like you just need to walk away from him %26amp; find someone who wants the same things you do, %26amp; will treat you as such. I had a boyfriend that did that with me for a while, %26amp; I found out he was doing the same thing with another girl. I'm not saying he is, however, I know how it felt to play the on-again-off-again game. My feelings got hurt so much by it, %26amp; now that I'm past all of that, %26amp; engaged to a wonderful man who really wants to marry me, I'm a lot happier.


Good luck hun.
Reply:I FEEL THAT YOU NEED TO LET HIM GO ON. AND YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME OUT AND FIND YOURSELF BECAUSE IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT THIS TYPE OF ON ONE DAY OFF ONE DAY RELATIONSHIP THEN SOMEONE INSIDE OF YOU IS SOME SELF ESTEEM ISSUES THAT MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN NOT DO ANY BETTER. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR AND AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW THIS BEHAVIOR FROM HIM HE WILL CONTINUE TO STRING YOU ALONG. YOU NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE THAT HAS THE SAME OUTLOOK ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE AS DOES YOURSELF. AND FURTHER MORE IF HIS FAMILY HAS THAT MUCH SAY AND PULL OVER HIS LOVE LIFE THEN YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP, THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS ALWAYS BECAUSE HIS FAMILY PRETTY MUCH RULE HIS LIFE. I THINK HE IS PLAYING WITH YOUR EMOTIONS BECAUSE IF HE FELT THAT WAY ABOUT LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS WHY DID HE GET INTO ONE FROM THE BEGINNING? YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT AND YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. LOOK AT IT THIS WAY YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF. MEANING YOU ARE WITH HIM NOW AND ARE STILL HURTING AND SAD BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN COME FROM IT, YOU CAN BE BY YOURSELF HURT A LITTLE CRY A LITTLE AND GET OVER IT BETTER THAN YOU WILL BEING AROUND HIM AND TALKING TO HIM. YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE AND NOT LET HIM CONTROL IT FOR YOU. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW HE IS IN CONTROL BECAUSE HE IS STRINGING YOU ALONG AND YOU ARE HURTINH THINKING ABOUT HIM AND HE IS ACTUALLY GONE ON ABOUT HIS BUSINESS AND STRINGING YOU ALONG AT THE SAME TIME. MOVE ON. IF YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE IN LIFE YOU HAVE TO GET WITH SOMEONE THAT IS GOING.
Reply:Wow...here goes....Firstly, it's difficult to comment on his behaviour because only he has the correct answers to your questions, however, he displays some behaviour which anyone would find confusing so don't beat yourself up for asking the question. I'm sorry to have to say it but the mere fact that you are confused suggests to me that something is not quite right with the relationship. Unfortunately I've also been there before and have come out the other side so I think I have some insight into the situation and what you are feeling. I'm going to attempt to respond to each point you have made so bear with me. The first point is that of his family. You say he won't go against his family's wishes. He seems to object to the relationship more than they do! If he cared so much for you, he would be able to articulate this to his family. Family loyalty is very important to me too. I'm not saying he should disown his family for you, but the least he could do was to approach them about the situation, as a grown man. Instead he has avoided any debate or confrontation with them in order to save THEIR feelings...what about yours?





Now as for the breaking up and getting back together. We've all done it but it's not healthy. Here, you have to responsible for your own emotions, bite the bullet and refuse contact for a while. I know, it sounds drastic, but it's the only way to mend your wounded heart. I suspect he knows that you love him and will come back to him at the drop of a hat and in that sense HE is being selfish but ultimately YOU are in charge of your actions and emotions and CANNOT keep waiting in the wings for your scene. You could continue doing the same thing for the next 10 years!





Yes, I'm sure he is understanding when you send abusive messages because he is aware of the heartache he is causing you. He'd be an absolute %%26amp;$£*?! if he repremanded you for it. He knows that HE is the one causing you to behave this way





Now, regarding this "friendship" business. Don't kid yourself that you can be friends for now. There's way too much emotion/confusion involved. Your question itself proves that you cannot be friends. Ask yourself, would you be happy if you saw him with another woman? If the answer's no, then you are not a friend, you're an understudy, waiting for your "big break"! The only problem is the leading man already has a leading lady, (sorry for the dramatic references), but you get my point? And I don't know about your "friends" but my friends don't comment on my cleavage or make me change my hair! He's exerting his authority on you here and he can't have it both ways. He's keeping you on side, (friends) so he can see how the land lies when he plans his return. If he cared so much for you, he would let you go, as I'm sure he knows this situation is hurting you. And as for making you jealous...that's just childish behaviour...you did say he was 24 didn't you? Why would he want to hurt you, if he loved you so much.





You sound like a really sweet person and I KNOW there is someone out there who would treat you better than this "man".





I hope I addressed all your points. If not, I'm happy to comment again...just ask!