Love? do we get to decide who we love?

OK, I have been in a relationship for 10 years and have three kids with my wife. we have had problems and I dont live at home at present. she wants to work on things with me but says she doesn't love me or find me attractive, although she does flirt with me all the time and calls me all the time when I'm not there.





my question is





I have read in several places that you can decide whether to let yourself love someone. It is like faith, if you put your faith into someone and commit yourself to making something work and then act like you love that person that you will fall back in love with them (as long as that person doesn't treat you badly i guess).





Many men that I have spoken to agree and I have read this in a variety of publications on the net by people who say they are experts.





Many women that I have spoken to see it differently and believe that love comes naturally.





my wife is putting a lot of pressure on herself to feel love for me which is causing an atmosphere

Love? do we get to decide who we love?
She can't decide to love you. If she's had ten years to be with you and still doesn't love you or loved you at one point but not now then it's obvious she never will again. Love just comes naturally and she can't try to make herself love you. Once you fall out of love with someone there's no getting it back, especially if she says she's not even attracted to you. Sorry but you should both give up and move on.
Reply:Why give her a second chance!?!??! For the kids sake. well if your ready to have a bunch of emotionless sex then go right ahead. If someone told me that they didn't find me attractive and didn't love me i would not waist my time.
Reply:This is a very difficult one. I cant tell you how it should be but I can tell you how it was for me. I met a man who knocked me out with his wit, personality and humour. He swept me off my feet with his attention, passion and love. The trouble was that my attraction to him, was not a physical or sexual one, and although I grew to love him, I found intimacy and sex very difficult. I tried everything I could for a year to change the way I felt but in the end I had to let him go. You see, I did love him very much, and that is why I let him go. I could not give him what he deserved. He deserved a woman who could be everything to him and I could not give him everything.





Although I believe that in some cases, it is possible to grow to love a man, it is also, not always possible. So if its not happening after some considerable effort, this woman should have enough love or respect for you to let you go. So that you can find complete and total happiness with a woman who will just adore you and give you everything you deserve. Dont you think your worth this?
Reply:Love just happens. You decide what to do with it from there. You can't make yourself love someone but you can build loving feelings for someone.
Reply:You can't help who you love!
Reply:I think you need to back off her a bit. The fact that you love her and want her to love you back, is just putting far too much pressure on her. She cannot make herself love you. It either happens or it doesn't. Also she says that she currently doesn't find you attractive. At least she has been honest with you and told you the truth. Have some respect for her for that, even it hurts.





I think you need to tell her how you feel, that you love her, but also respect her - and because of that you are going to back off and give her some room and space. Start to make a new life for yourself, go out and see your friends, move on a bit. All this pressure is not doing her or you or the children any good. She can't help how she feels. If you love her, give her some room.
Reply:I dont think we do decide who to love or not to love...





Have you not been dumped by someone you love and tried to fall out of love with them to stop the hurt you feel? It doesnt work like a light switch, you cant turn love off when you want to so you cant turn love on when you want to...





Im sorry to say but love should come naturally and if it does not then you and your wife are wasting each others time and life.
Reply:You can NOT decide to love someone. You either do or you dont.
Reply:people will only fall in love with people if they want to it cant be forced x
Reply:I think you should move on with your life and set her free. she says she is not in love with you plus the fact that no longer finds you attractive..means a lot..means WAKE UP..she has stopped loving you...set her free..don't push her with all that rambling crap experts talk about, they don't know a damn about love. Let her go, if eventually she comes back to you means that you will probably stay together the rest of your life...if not..i'm sorry, we can't have it both ways.
Reply:it is our choice to love.. it is our choice to receive love...
Reply:I think both sides have some validity. If she were to relax and let the feelings flow, then perhaps she would be more able to feel that glow that has escaped her. I hope that happens for both of your sakes and the three children. Good luck to your family.
Reply:no.. you just love who you love


you do decide how the relationship is


some people are toxic ..and you just need to stay away from them
Reply:What a load of jibba Jabba
Reply:What a load of jibba jabba.
Reply:Wow....there's a debate for yah.


Best of luck in either way you turn.
Reply:you sound as if there are issues stopping you from loving you





If you dont nurture all of you you cannot bvegin to know what love is about with another person


work on that aspect


may be this is what is causing you to feel low
Reply:In my case I do not have the in love feeling for my husband and do not desire that, I tried n tried and told em many times but wasn't until I was completely broken that he listened..When I wanted to work on it he didn't and now he does I can't. I think it depends on how much water is under the bridge...If she's not @ that breaking point then tell her to relax and allow it to come to her otherwise she will end up num...Good Luck..I wish you both the best.


~Angel~
Reply:love can never be one sided it has to be from both sides tats how a relationship works
Reply:love does come naturally and I think that you should talk to her and fix it
Reply:Men are wired to think logically and rationally. So if a man hears that love means you are willing to give up a kidney or take a bullet for your wife. Great, that's actionable. For that matter, my wife says I should treat taking out the garbage with the same feeling as buying her flowers because I love her. What???





Women are wired for their emotions. Their idea of love is different and often not actionable. I once heard the talkshow host Dr Laura chide a woman caller for starting every sentence with "I feel" because, in Dr Laura's words, feel is not actionable and men don't know what to do with the word. Hence the statement that she is not attracted to you is confusing to you. You can't comprehend and therefore you don't know what to do --- if she told you to have a face-lift or lose 30 pounds, then she'd find you attractive, at least that is actionable.





BTW, just look around here and you'll find many women write in and say " I don't love him anymore after xx years of marriage". Women read it and understand with resonance but men read it and find it incomprehensible.





Back to falling back to love. You are looking for actionable items or something to correct. She is most likely looking for something abstract. We are talking about wanting oranges or apples.





I am offering you NO solution because I am a man who has concluded that I will never accomplish anything crossing that line of abstract. I am offering you a framework so that you don't feel frustrated searching in the dark. To you, you scratch your head about the action-induced problems: did you have an affair, drug abuse, etc. Assuming you have done none of them, that's why you are working in the dark. It is not your fault, at least don't blame yourself.
Reply:Well we just cant fall in love with anyone. you have to be attracted to the person first. i dont think anyone has ever fallen in love with someone they think is ugly. if your attracted to them you spend time with them and yes you could fall in love. it depends if theres sparks there between you or not.


as far as your wife. she cant make herself love you if she doesnt feel it anymore. once you love someone and stop loving them its very hard to fall in love with them again.
Reply:I wish.
Reply:No you can't choose who you fall in love with, and when you stop loving then...